Living by the Goldman Rule

What profiteth the man who loses honor while reaping gold? Plenty!

As in that new Gulfstream fast enough to outrun the process server. And the house in Montecito, Calif., with walls high enough you can’t hear the howling do-gooder mob outside.

Sure, we want the respect of the world — as long as it doesn’t mean giving up bonuses as big as the gross national product of a Baltic republic for nothing more than showing up to collect the check. Such are the elements of the philosophy we call the Goldman rule. And if you want to keep collecting those bonuses, you ought to practice it every day.

Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you: That’s the gist. Or, in simple Goldman terms, look out for ol’ No. 1. Treat everybody exactly the way you suspect they would treat you if the tables were turned. For example, no backstabbing — unless you sense somebody’s about to backstab you, which allows you to wield the dagger first, because, come on people, how can you follow the Goldman rule if you’re dead?

By the way, you don’t really have to lose respect while reaping gold. You do just like the U.S. does in Afghanistan and buy it. Goldman guy walks into a room: palpable contempt. Goldman guy walks into a room and starts throwing around Rolex Oysters: palpable respect!

Thus, you can feel free to grab that obscene year-end bonus for yourself while blocking everybody else. Think about it: A great virtue of the Goldman rule is that you can. It’s actually humane. If you were in their tax bracket, you’d want to be spared all the tax problems, the estate-planning headaches and the media carping over huge windfalls that followed, resulting in public humiliation for your loved ones.

If you have loved ones. And if you do, you’re obviously spending too much time out of the office, betraying Goldman rule small-type disclaimer Q-556-9A: “If you can’t do the time, don’t expect Goldman to cover up the crime.”

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